Making the decision to have sex can feel like a big deal, whether it’s your first time or with a new partner. But it doesn’t have to be a stressful decision, and it certainly doesn’t need to be rushed. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but there are some things to think about so that you’re less likely to regret it afterward. Here’s a guide to help you reflect on whether you’re ready—and why it’s totally okay to question it.
It’s Okay to Not Fully Know
Remember the first time you tried something new—maybe it was riding a theme park rollercoaster or playing a new sport. At first, you weren’t totally sure what you’d feel or if you’d even like it. It’s the same with sex. We often don’t fully know how we feel about it until we’re in the moment. What you want or desire can change based on the situation, how your body reacts, and how you feel about your partner. This is normal, and there’s no rush to figure it all out at once.
The beauty of sex is that there are many things that can count as “sex.” From kissing, touching, and even playful wrestling, to more intimate acts—each can be explored at your own pace. And the best part? You get to decide what feels good and what doesn’t. If you’re uncertain, take it step by step, and only do what feels right for you in the moment.
Is It Legal for Both of You?
In the UK, the law states that you must be at least 16 to engage in sexual activity. This law is meant to protect young people from potential abuse and ensures that the decision is made in a safe, healthy environment. It’s important to note that the law isn’t there to shame you—it’s about ensuring consent and protection for all parties involved. If you’re under 16, it’s still illegal, regardless of whether both of you are the same age.
Why Are You Doing It?
Sex is a personal experience, and your reasons for wanting it should be your own. If you’re trying to prove something to yourself or someone else, it may be worth reconsidering. If you feel pressured, either by society, your partner, or your own insecurities, those feelings could cloud your judgment. Doing something because you feel you should doesn’t usually lead to a positive experience.
Ask yourself why you want to have sex in the first place. Are you doing it because you genuinely want to connect with your partner and explore intimacy together? Or are you doing it because of outside expectations? It’s important to distinguish between what you want and what others might think you should want.
Are You Both on the Same Page?
One of the keys to good sex is mutual desire, and this is where communication comes in. Think about how both you and your partner feel about the situation. A simple way to gauge where you both are is by using an “enthusiasm scale.” On a scale from -5 (really don’t want to) to +5 (really want to), where do you fall? And what about your partner?
If one of you is much less enthusiastic than the other, it might be worth slowing down and checking in. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, and that means both partners need to be comfortable. If you’re doing something for your partner’s sake, make sure they are just as willing to reciprocate. If one person is more hesitant, take time to talk about it, and make sure there’s no pressure.
Challenging Societal Expectations
In society, there are often unrealistic expectations placed on both men and women when it comes to sex. Men are typically portrayed as always wanting sex, while women are often expected to be more reluctant or focused on emotional connection. These stereotypes can create confusion and make it harder to know what you actually want.
Instead of following these “should stories,” it’s helpful to openly address them. If you’re feeling pressure, whether it’s to be more “sexually active” or to fulfill a certain role in the relationship, calling out these stories can help you reconnect with your true desires. And don’t buy into the myth that a woman’s first time will necessarily be painful or disappointing—good first-time sex is possible, and you deserve to enjoy it.
Can You Say No?
Consent is key to any sexual experience. You should always feel that you can say no without fear of backlash or guilt. If something doesn’t feel right or you’re not in the mood, it’s perfectly okay to back out. Likewise, your partner should always respect your boundaries, and vice versa. If you feel pressured into sex, that’s a red flag. Both partners should feel comfortable communicating and able to stop or slow things down at any point.
Safety and Responsibility
If you decide to have sex, it’s important to make sure you and your partner are practicing safer sex. This means using contraception and protection to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies. It’s a shared responsibility—both partners should be equally invested in ensuring that the experience is safe, comfortable, and enjoyable. If one partner is avoiding this conversation or not willing to take responsibility, that could be a sign to reconsider.
Is It the Right Time?
The right time for sex depends on a lot of things—how well you know each other, how much trust you’ve built, and whether you feel emotionally ready. For some people, casual sex is perfectly fine, while for others, it’s important to feel a deeper connection first. Take time to evaluate whether you’re ready, and be honest with yourself about your emotions and expectations.
It’s Okay to Ask Yourself, “Should I Have Sex?” Even After the First Time
Just because you’ve had sex before doesn’t mean you’ll always feel the same way about it. Your desires and needs can change over time, and it’s okay to keep asking yourself if you want to have sex. It’s a myth that once you start being sexually active, you’ll always want it. Your body, mind, and emotional state can all affect your desire for sex at different times. So, if you’re not feeling up for it, there’s no shame in saying no.
Conclusion: Listen to Your Body and Trust Yourself
Ultimately, deciding whether or not to have sex comes down to one thing: your comfort. If something doesn’t feel right, or if you’re not fully in the mood, it’s okay to take a step back. Your body knows best. So take the time you need, trust yourself, and make decisions that align with your values, not what society tells you is “normal.” Your sexual experiences should be empowering and enjoyable, and when in doubt, just remember: it’s always okay to ask yourself, “Should I have sex?”
